Wedding: lessons learned

I have a feeling the post-wedding blog posts will be coming slowly over the next month or two. After a walk with a soon-to-be-engaged friend last night, and lots and lots of wedding talk, I realized there are a couple of lessons I learned from our wedding that could be helpful to others. Here are the ones one the front of my mind right now...

LESSONS LEARNED FROM PLANNING OUR WEDDING:
1. Make it about you two as a couple.
2. Don't let other people's drama stress you out.
3. Be clear about expectations from the beginning with those whom they may affect.
4. Weddings bring out unexpected aspects of people's personalities. This is normal. It does not mean your friendships will end.
5. There will be a disaster (or two). Know it will happen.
6. After you have delegated responsibilities, let it go. It will get done.
7. Everyone loves the bride... even people who don't know you.
8. EVERYTHING costs more than you originally plan for. Everything.


Now, because I am a detail-oriented person, I will explain more about these lessons and why I said them.

Make it about you two as a couple.
We made all of our decisions together. It was trying on us as a couple, but it made the entire day everything we wanted. Everything was special because everything encapsulated us as individuals and as a couple. A second rule to this one should be: Don't entertain traditions you don't feel necessary. For example, we did not throw the bouquet, get announced at the reception, or do the garter thing. They just weren't things that were important to us.

Don't let other people's drama stress you out.
This is a tough one. There are sooo many decisions to be made, sooo many things going on at once, so many plates to juggle, so many appointments, so many people you are relying on. Whether the drama is a parent obsessing about their outfit when they should be helping with your dress, someone insisting on inviting people that neither you nor your fiance feel need to be at the wedding, mid-divorce parents who can't seem to act normally in front of each other, or friends who complain about every step of the role they had agreed many times to participate in, you can't let it get to you. You have to be coordinate the catering meetings, the photographer's needs, the people who are going to not do their role b/c they feel sick the day before, the bridesmaid who is nervous about her outfit, getting a replacement for the guestbook that arrived in the mail a week before the wedding damaged, the grandmother who is flying across the country and wants to make sure she packs the correct clothing, etc etc.

Be clear about expectations from the beginning with those they affect.
A HUGE lesson! Because our wedding was non-traditional in a variety of ways, there was a lot of "communicating expectations" that we had to do. I had to explain to my father (and mother) that we wanted to walk down the aisle together. For a little while, we thought both of us would change our names, so we had to warm Austin's family to the idea that his name could change (it didn't in the end). For my friends that are more traditional and could have been hoping for some extravagant bachelorette party or all of the wedding details being just like they want for themselves, I gave a heads up that we would have no fresh flowers at our wedding, and that I wanted my special party to be low-key. The biggest of this was regarding family members and attendees. We had many, many talks with parents about how many and which guests they were able to invite. It was difficult to stick to the expectations we set in the beginning, and there were a handful of tears, but in the end it worked out.

People will behave in unexpected ways, just because it involves a wedding.
This makes sense on many levels. We're talking about a day of celebration that our culture covets as the epitome of a little girl's dream day. (Can you tell I wasn't raised that way?) I was told by a few friends who had recently been married that they were surprised to have friends whose actions did not seem favorable toward the wedding, and that it was people they considered really good friends. In all of these cases, these people apologized later, citing jealousy as the reason for their behavior. Knowing this was potentially coming was helpful, but it was still shocking when I encountered this myself. Hopefully those concerns will get resolved eventually.

There will be a disaster. Expect it.
The saddest reality of them all. For weeks afterward, I told people that our day was perfect, and that all of the drama/disasters were beforehand. I felt so accomplished that somehow, we avoided the dreaded, inevitable disaster day-of. And then I got a phone call from the photographer, saying that the digital card had a malfunction and we lost all of our getting ready, family, and before ceremony photos. They are wonderful people, and I know it's not something they could have prevented, but it's SO SAD. I attribute not freaking out or getting really anxious about this news to a) I had just been to a Mexican Happy Hour and b) we were overdue for a real disaster.

After you have delegated responsibilities, Let it go. It will get done.
This lesson was the biggest life-saver of them all. I spent a lot of time making sure everyone had the information they needed to do what they needed to do, and then I didn't worry about it anymore. For example, who cares if the decorations weren't completed until 2 days before the wedding? My ladies had promised to get them done, and they would be done. No point in me freaking out. And they were beautiful!

Everyone loves the bride, even people you don't expect.
People smiled at me in the halls at work who I don't even talk to. Every doctor, dentist, etc appointment I had wanted to talk about the wedding. Ex-co-workers asked me if they would be invited. (Another lesson: people who ask if they are invited... don't feel bad about not inviting them.) On the day of, little girls walked by and said, "Look! A bride! She's so pretty, Mommy!" It was fun to be the center of attention, but I'm also glad it's over.

Everything will go over budget.
Literally everything. Weddings are such a ridiculous industry. It's out of control. For example, they charged us more for the cupcakes than they charge anyone making a special order. They said it was because it was a wedding, and because our order would be their top priority, and we would be guaranteed the top service. However, I got a phone call on the wedding day telling me the cupcakes wouldn't be ready by the time we had established with the shop (15-30 minutes delay). However, since I had delegated this responsibility already, I did not worry about it. In hindsight, I could have told him I wanted that extra money back that he made me pay, b/c our cupcakes were not the first ready of the day, like he had insisted to me. But our friends were in charge of that, and I didn't need to worry about it anymore. They would get those cupcakes to the reception and set up.

And that's it for now!